She Trusted Me With Me.

My daughter is now old enough to craft with. Praise be! I get to buy all the kits and pompoms and pipe cleaners and beads. Doing something creative with her is SO MUCH FUN until it isn't.

See, I'm a recovering perfectionist, and I'm sorry to say my daughter is following close behind. A few weeks ago, I had a profound moment of awakening while working on a Plush Crafts koala pillow. Yep, you read that right.

E had gotten the koala pillow craft kit as a birthday gift and had been pestering me for weeks to work on it with her. She was PUMPED. So, we open up the package, look over the instructions and start sorting the tiny pieces of fabric. It comes time to add the first pieces of fabric. E hesitates. She looks at me and says, "Mommy, you do it."

I was so sad for her in that moment. She was so excited about creating this thing but didn't trust herself to actually do it. And that's when I realized I'm to blame. I'm not talking mommy martyrdom here. I am talking about my patterns of parenting with my daughter.

I shouldn't have been remotely surprised that she hesitated because 100+ times before, I had confirmed her fear of not being able to do something. As I said, I'm a perfectionist. And how that shows up with my daughter is that we start something new and possibly a little out of her reach developmentally. She struggles. I get anxious. She struggles more because I'm anxious. I start inserting myself into the project with overcorrections and frustration. She loses her gumption. I say, "let me do it, and you can watch."

HEARTBREAKING. My need for perfect outcomes and my intolerance for witnessing her struggle create a perfect storm of failure and mistrust.

In this split-second moment of clarity, I decided to be different. I told her I wouldn't do it for her, but I would be here to help if and when she asked. I showed her how to put the tiny piece of fabric on the punch pen and sorted the fabrics for her. She started, she got frustrated, I lent some support, and she completed the koala pillow! It was a MOMENT OF TRIUMPH for both of us. She was beaming, running around the house with the koala pillow held high over her head, screaming at her mom and brother that she did it. She went to sleep that night proud and confident with her koala pillow in a headlock.

In this micro-moment, I changed my unconscious, unspoken communication to her from "careful, watch out, be perfect, I don't think you can do this, I don't want to see you fail" to "you got this, I'm here, you will succeed, I'm will witness whatever outcome and still love you." And in the broader view of my life, I realize I do this with EVERYONE. Shocker right?

No wonder my team gets anxious when I train with them or coach them. I've unconsciously told them I don't trust them with my actions and overbearingness. And the kicker is, then I get frustrated because I have to "micromanage" the team when in reality, this is the relationship I have created with them.

In her book, Professional Troublemaker, Luvvie says her mother "trusted me with me, which was a gift." This is the gift I want to give my children. This is the gift I want to give my team. This is the gift I want to give myself.