Self-Medicating vs. Self-Care

Every single form of self-medication, addiction, crutch and indulgence I have has been put on display during this pandemic. So has the fact that I have minimal coping skills that aren't harmful to myself to varying degrees.

At 11, when my dad died, I developed my first forms of self-medication (or addictions). They were food & TV. Then came more harmful behavior like smoking, self inflicted pain and unhealthy fasting. Once I was legal along came the booze. Thankfully, I had enough self awareness to know that I LOVED anything that made me numb out or lose control so I never moved onto harder things, although I was often tempted.

When we decided to try to have a baby I finally had to face my addictions, ALL OF THEM. One by one I tackled each item. First to get the boot was booze. My hobby is bartending, so giving up alcohol was painful, as was smoking. However, the real pain came when I tried to untangle myself from my original addictions, food & TV.

I had come to believe that eating half a pizza while binge watching Grey's Anatomy was a form of self-care. I created and held firm to a belief that I worked really, really hard and therefore 100% deserved to binge on both food and TV. What I now know is this is all sorts of bulls*t.

First, I am deserving regardless of how much I work. Second, bingeing in any form is not a healthy behavior. Third, what the hell was going on in my life that I felt the intense need to numb out!? And finally, our minds are more powerful than we will ever know. Not only was I unaware of how unhealthy my behavior was, my mind had helped me cloak myself in righteousness about my addiction. It's like the artist who swears they need to smoke weed to create. To them this isn't a cop out, its a fact of reality.

So, if our minds are evil geniuses that are adept at weaving beautiful lies around our addictions and unhealthy behavior, how do we know what is self-care and what is self-medication?

What is self-medication?

Self-medicating is any behavior that gives you instant gratification, but leaves a little bit of guilt in the back of your mind. It's drinking a whole bottle of wine, eating most of the crave case, smoking that cigarette in "social" situations, cleaning the kitchen obsessively and buying those shoes (or purse or tablet or home good or....). If it isn't sustainable and/or could do long-term damage to an aspect of your life, it's a form of self-medication.

What is self-care?

Self-care is any behavior that builds you up for a long-term positive gain. It may give you instant gratification, but often self-care is a marathon, not a sprint. Examples of self-care:

1. Journaling

2. Meditating

3. Reading a book

4. A coffee date with a friend

5. Exercise

6. Naps

7. Holding boundaries

8. Taking up space

9. Using your voice

10. Learning & being curious

11. Dancing it out

12. Volunteering

13. Practicing gratitude

14. Therapy

15. Giving yourself permission

Self-care is any activity that makes you smile on the inside.

How do I eliminate my self-medicating behaviors?

I probably need to put an advisory warning here. I am not a mental health or addiction specialist. I am a person on a path of growth. I am writing from my own lens and therefore, everything I write should be questioned.

Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. - Maya Angelou

So here goes, I don't think we can ever eliminate all of our self-medicating behavior. However, we still have to try. To learn (or unlearn) anything we all follow the four stages of competence. The first step is moving from unconsciously incompetent to consciously incompetent. This may be the most painful part of the process, at least for me. As a chronic overachiever, having my eyes opened to all the things I don't know is almost physically painful. But we can't work on what we don't see.

Next we need to inventory all of our self-medicating behaviors. There is a little trick that is a powerful one for sorting & filtering anything in your life. Use the ABC's & 123's. For this example let's say the ABC's are:

• A - Most harmful

• B - Moderately harmful

• C - Annoyingly harmful

And the 123's are:

• 1 - Easy to change

• 2 - Moderately hard to change

• 3 - "Even thinking about change gives me a panic attack" hard to change

Write down every behavior you believe doesn't serve you in the long-term. Don't judge them just yet, this is a brain dump. Next, once you've exhausted your list, go through each behavior as rank them by A - C from most to least harmful and then 1 - 3 from easiest to hardest to change.

Start with your 1A's. If there is anything that is really harmful, but seemingly easy to change start there. Most importantly, wherever you decide to start, make sure you have a plan. A plan that is written down with specific steps, deadlines and action owners.

But what if sh*t is really hard!?

Again, read the aforementioned warning... but I've found that no matter how mentally & emotionally healthy I am I will always fall back into a few of my self-medicating habits. The difference now is that I've defeated the evil genius and I'm 100% clear that I am self-medicating. I set boundaries around the behavior and ask for help if and when I need it.

We're never going to be perfect, and who would want to anyway. But after 5 years of being on a path to actual care for myself I will tell you there is no better feeling.